Church
Humor - Part II
FROM
CHURCH BULLETINS
These sentences have actually
appeared in church bulletins
or in typewritten announcements for church
services.
The
Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The
sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching
for Jesus."
Our
youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies,
don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The
peace making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember
in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
Don't
let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss
Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure
to the congregation.
For
those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next
Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they
can get.
Barbara
remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She
is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The
Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving
Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends
a friendship that began in their school days.
A
bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
At
the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight
new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts
are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds
will be used to cripple children.
Please
place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you
want remembered.
The
church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious
hostility.
Potluck
supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The
ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This
evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies
Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited
to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The
pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low
Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
The
eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight
Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
The
Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
The
following statements about the Bible were written by children at a Catholic
elementary school. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e.,
incorrect spelling has been left in).
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1.
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan
of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
5.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
6.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
8.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in
the battle of Geritol.
12.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
13.
David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins,
a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.
17.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18.
St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
21.
The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23.
One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
25.
Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
BACK TO
CHURCH HUMOR - PART
ONE
